"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #4 - Extended Remix

Bachelor #1: Mullet.

Bachelor #2: Perhaps this is cheating, but I'm going to combine the ages of the next three bachelors, tell you that they don't add up to more than 80 and move along. 

Bachelor #3 (or 5 if you're gonna be picky about it): Literal belief in Noah's Ark. 

Holy WTF Bonus Bachelor! 

Our Bonus Bachelor has hair down to his waist and two small children who live with him. To be truthful, the children were more of a turn-off. If your personality and life situation are so totally awesome that you can have a productive adult life with hair down to your waist (without LARPing), fucking good for you! However, my kids are almost grown. Not that I am opposed to the kids, but the combo was unappealing. Add to that the stunning composition of the profile and the messages...and, well. You'll see.

The following exchange has not been edited, even slightly. 

Him: wow really? well ill be dipped in shit and rolled in flour! ok check this out, i read your profile and i feel the same way on alot of counts. not wanting to make something fromnothing? i agree its a headache! you'll be happy to know im 38 and dont think with my peter (that got me into alot of trouble when i was younger) i love your sense of humor hell i havent stopped laughing yet! i play shit tons of video games too! i have 2 kids that live with me. oh ya and as for dying alone ...the thought crossed my mind too thats why im here looking for a few friends. i figure if i cant have a mate a friend will do just as well for most things. besides nobody dies alone around me, im too damn annoying to let em go down without a fight! i dont care if you lost your job, shit happens! well i would most definatly like to talk more! whata ya say? message me if i didnt bore you to death! oh ya i almost forgot, i dont mind you poking fun being serious or whatever but, i will rib you in return! you this could be alot of fun!

I decided to just not respond, as I do in most cases, since I have nothing nice to say. 

(Blog ya later, dude!) 

Four days later, Ted Nugent is so shocked that I did not immediately jump at the opportunity to mate with him that he must write again. These are my favorites. 

Him: what a shame, you realy did look like youd fun to hangout with oh well se la vie!

(what does it mean when all my words are underlined in red like that?) 

Me: Since you went to the trouble to make sure that I knew I was missing out by not contacting you, I'll just say thank you for the note. I appreciate the sentiment and that you found my profile amusing, but, for several reasons, I am not interested.

Him: whatever, like i said you lookedlike fun but after the troublei had in contacting you then your apparent aloofness i care not. people like you need to back up and take a second look at yourself. your NOT all that and a bag of chips. have a glorious, glorious year and a half!

Me: Thanks so much for putting me in my place. You've changed my whole life! Yeah...can't get through this with a straight face. 

Bored now.

Well, there you have it. 

I am all that, hold the chips. 

Soda companies charge us for water. Think about that for just a moment and maybe it will sink in.

My Devil of the Day: Bottled Water

I saw this picture on imgur today. I know I had seen it in the past, but it still had an impact on me and reminded me of a video about the evils of bottled water. A friend had shared it with me a while back, and while we changed our water drinking habits at home, it still astounds me how widespread this stupidity really is, especially in Colorado, where the drinking water is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I understand that there are places where the drinking water is unhealthy - and I am not referring to those places with dangerous water, or even to times of disaster. However, all things being equal, your bottled water habit is simply throwing money in the trash - literally...along with that plastic bottle. 
As a side note, I also find it amusing that so many people who quit soda are still giving their money to the same soda pop companies. Soda companies charge us for water. Think about that for just a moment and maybe it will sink in. 
Like I said, I know this video is old, so some of my (zero) readers may have seen it. For those who haven't seen it, most of it is a cartoon, so hopefully it can hold your failing attention span for the duration. 

I admit to falling for the convenience of bottled water in the past, and I have shame. My boys used to take a bottle with them to bed most nights. It wasn't rampant abuse, but it was still unnecessary. Well, no more - Kyle and I stopped buying bottled water several years ago and we both have our own stainless refillable bottles. There are so many amazing bottles you can buy, too. Like this one is particularly awesome...or this one, which I should really get for Kyle, now that I look at it. 
And to people with small children - we used to drink from garden hoses...warm nasty-ass garden hoses, but now we are sending a message to kids with this useless crap that the water that comes out of their kitchen tap is substandard to the bottle of Dasani in the fridge that is just public tap water from somewhere that has been "remineralized" (whatever the f*ck that means - I know that they add small amounts of salt to their water.) Nobel Laureate Anatole France is quoted as saying, “If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.”- this applies to thinking, believing, and doing, as well. So yeah, that's my rant for the day. Just think about it.

Cliques, communities, religions, organizations...and how, every day, in every way – I want nothing to do with any of you.

No matter how alone anyone feels at any given time, they are not. No matter how original and fantastic you imagine your feelings and thoughts to be – they are not. Someone has felt it, someone has thought it, and someone has gotten offended by it sometime in the past.

Many times I have come across a gathering of people, online or otherwise, and thought, “maybe this could be where I belong?”, but then I hang out for a bit. Then I look deeper and I see hierarchies, infighting, cliques, people who – even amongst a group who hold a demonstrably underrepresented way of thinking – feel that they are righter than all these other right people that they sought community with not too far in the distant past. “You can't just think what I think, you have to think what I think, EXACTLY the way that I think it, and present yourself exactly the way I would like you to be”, they seem to say with every condescending forum post. Is this what becomes of a group of people when they move from “I don't know” to “I don't know and you don't either”? Or maybe I just hate everyone in the world, as I have always suspected.  

things I think today.

- I need to stop getting recipes off Pinterest. I do not need 101 ways to work with Nutella or another potato recipe, and my ass agrees with me. (to be fair, there are a lot of healthy ones, too...but they just don't stand out next to anything oozing cheese and pesto, y'know?) The people on there seem to only post pictures of anorexic models, but judging from what they eat, they can't possibly fit in the clothes they are "loving" on their style boards. Just saying.

 - Bendy straws are nifty.

 - I do not like antlers in decorating, but skulls are fine. I also do not like the current hipster decorating trend of prints of animals wearing clothing.

- There are very few style aspects of the 70's that need reviving. So few that we should just forget they happened and move back to the 60's or the 50's. (I was going to say "no style aspects"...but I hate to close the book, here. I don't know everything about the 70's. Could happen, I suppose, but I'm not counting on it.)

- Frozen berries instead of ice cubes is pretty awesome in most of my favorite cold beverages (not iced coffee, natch)

- If I want to be a writer...I should really...write, and trust that the brilliant ideas will follow. (only small tinge of sarcasm when reading that, please.)

- I want a card catalog cabinet. I'll figure out what to do with it after I have it.

- Which do you think would make me richer: a toothpaste that doesn't ruin the taste of orange juice..or a cold steam vaporizer that actually made your room smell like rain? Mmmmm I would buy the latter.

- No, the picture has nothing to do with the post, it's just fucking awesome.

"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #3 - Thursday

Bachelor #1: "hi your profile and you look like fun and I thought I say hello and see if my profile and I look fun to you and your profile.... ;p"  
Well. I...wait, WHAT? 


Bachelor #2: The message was innocuous enough - just a "Hi, how are you?"  However, you listed "sex" as one of your hobbies - which is in clear violation of Section 7, Paragraph 3 of my profile. You also appear to end every other sentence in an exclamation. If this all sounds too picky, I'll just say - you're 24. I don't do that anymore. 


[BONUS] "Why I won't be responding to you AGAIN" Bachelor #3: You have the serenity prayer tattooed across one of your pectoral muscles. Just...no. 

Going FWD...

   It's amazing and wonderful when you rediscover someone from your past - a long-lost friend or family member. You have what is hopefully a not-too-awkward reunion, started with an email exchange about where and when and other particulars. Then it happens. Sometime after you have arranged the date and time for your lunch/dinner/coffee/whatever - but before you have actually attended the event...an email arrives. Now, I'm always happy for an email that comes from anyone who isn't a robot trapped in a file server, but in the front of this one are the letters that set me a bit on edge: "FWD". 

Aww, shit. It's hilarious dog pictures, or down-home advice on how to be happier and healthier, or, my favorite, a warning about hypodermic needles that will go up your bum when you use a public toilet (I made that up, don't freak out). 

I could do what most people do...and just ignore it, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where no one in my life sends me this shit. They know better. It's probably why my only emails come from websites I have purchased from in the past. Truthfully, I was living in a dream world where people don't forward fluff emails to each other anymore. In my mind, we, as a race, had evolved beyond that. It was a beautiful world, and I was ripped from it like a drunk jackass ejected from a Porsche. 

   I know that if you're the kind of person who sends out bullshit warnings in emails that you are most likely the kind of person who offers bullshit warnings in person, and this makes me sad. You see, at least when you have this email - warning you of bathing suits that make your nipples fall off - you have the fucking power of the internet behind you! Perhaps I should just Google this real quick and see if the first 12 hits that come up don't have the word "hoax" in them. Alas, no...you do not do that. Because, children, like any other pursuit in life, when navigating the innernets, you are going to come across your Pros...and your noobs - and when they hand you their AOL email address, try not to snicker like the elitist you are...and make sure it gets lost in your other jacket. 

   Otherwise, you will end up like me - most likely the only one who will tell this person that what they just sent is bogus. The person who tells them that I don't want them to include me on this list (and never did, and maybe, just maybe, you should ask people before they get included on your honorary "YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS OMG" subscription). 

   The truth is that I have sent this person two replies to separate emails about separate bullshit incidents. They have not replied to either of them. The sad thing would be if this person decides that because I don't treasure their every cat photo dump - that I don't want them in my life, because that's not the case. 

Next time I guess I just send them a link to this blog. 

What could possibly go wrong? 

Language - and a stern talking-to.

I think I am more of a spelling than a grammar Nazi - but I get him, and I think I am getting better.
A random typo does not make the man, but a body of work speaks so loudly about a person - and he's right...it's the not caring that upsets me more than the lack of knowledge (although that bothers me, as well).

I have zero problem with the dynamic nature of language - the nouns-to-verbs make me smile, more often than not.
Mostly I posted this because I love the fluidity of his voice.

Stephen Fry Kinetic Typography - Language from Matthew Rogers on Vimeo.