"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #5 - 'Just Stop Talking' Edition.

It's been a while since I logged into my dating site profile.
I check to see if I have any messages on my phone every so often. I only get really excited when the message provides blog fodder, of course - and never really see it as a prospect for lasting happiness in my life, which says just boatloads about my prospects for future...well, anything. I see this. Don't think that I don't.
I don't know, I like to think that if there was someone on there with whom I could actually have a future, he wouldn't piss me off in some way within 80 words. Perhaps I'm being too picky.

So here's a fun exchange:

NickXXX (not Nick's real handle): LOL (couldn't resist). I have no idea what to make of you. But I refuse to feel guilty for just being born male.


Oh, that's so funny! I get it. You see on my profile it says "If you used "LOL" as a word, even once, in your profile, I immediately set you aside and moved on. No, really." 
So Nick here is being all ironic and shit. 
How clever! 
I feel myself being won over, as we speak. 
He has "no idea" what to make of me, but he felt the need to send me a message that immediately gives me shit AND misunderstands me in the process! Bravo! You win at online dating, sir!


Me: You are free to feel how you like, Nick, but I'm not entirely sure why that's what you got from my profile. Pretty sure I never suggested you should.


NickXXX: Maybe I read to much into your info, it was late after all, lol. I guess I was just picking up a general animosity toward guys. The part about guys likeing sex like you breathing air was kinda a red flag for me and as well as a general insulting nature. Usually this kinda behavior is covering up some insecurities, I like comfident women and I myself am so tough I feel no need to prove it so I have more of a gentle nature and care about other's feelings. It's not that I couldn't handle being insulted, mind you, (I appreciate skeptical feed back, If I'm full of shit about something I want to know) I just see little point in attacking someone without cause. -Nick


So, Nick read my profile and I hit a nerve. Poor baby, LOL. (see what I did there?) 
Now I am not a "comfident" woman because he was personally insulted whilst reading my profile. 


Me: Oh, sweets, everyone has insecurities. If you think that and being a strong person you're a tad deluded. I'm sorry you felt insulted (no I'm not), but it's part "sarcasm" and part "humor" and all me. You see, I'm 40, not 14. This isn't a defense mechanism, it's my personality. 
That having been said, if you think that what someone posts in a (dating site) profile is the beginning and end of who they are, you might be destined for some disappointment.
This has been fun, Nick - and so illuminating that I need to pass out now.
Peace out and all sorts of ill shit.

Now, the only thing that irked me here is that I was in such a hurry that I was thinking faster than I was typing (not the other way around, I assure you) and I left out a couple words in the reply. 

If I was this guy, I would totally jump all over my typo, so I just blocked him, fun as that was. 

So yeah, I made an error. In a snarky reply. 

I have shame. 

Oh, and that guy? After I blocked him - showed up on my match list again with a different username. 

Makes me hope he went and looked at my profile afterwards, because I changed a paragraph with him in mind: 

(To the gentleman who got all butthurt because one of my jabs applied to him here - dude, we ALL like sex. THAT is what I'm saying. It is unnecessary and crass for a guy to list it as a hobby or something they are good at - and most of the time, if you gotta tell us before how good you are, we know it's not true. But you just keep on keepin' on. I'll be over here in the corner, licking the wound caused by you implying that I'm not a confident woman. ::sniff:: It's a bummer - your profile seemed interesting. Stupid.)

Okay, then! 

Now, back to original format! 

"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" 

Bachelor #1: Your username is, I am sure hoping, a play on the abbreviation for the state of Virginia and the word "guy" - but it makes me think you're either a gynecologist or hugely fascinated with female genitalia. You might want to change that.

Bachelor #2: Ok, I am just a shit - but I cannot see myself with a man of your...stature. I know damn few things about myself, but I know for a fact that I like skinny guys. 

(Humor aside, he did seem like a nice guy, and I actually did respond, nicely as I could letting him know that I just was not attracted to his body type. Was I wrong? I wonder how I would respond if someone sent that to me.)

Bachelor #3: I'll just reproduce this one. At first, I thought I was looking at the writing of one of the many teenage boys I hear from, but no. This is the writing of a 34-year-old man who apparently cannot close his mouth firmly (from the picture record). I imagine I hear mouth-breathing. At least he got the gist of what I'm about, right?

"hello im christian, i just moved here from los angeles in june. thats bad ass you meet tom robbins. i've only read feirce invelads in hot climates so far but i really liked it alot. its good you dont want to ever fuck a repulbacian, i hate them to. im pretty scarstic as well and i also have a love of pushing peoples buttons to see what reaction i get. not in some mindless way but if you tell me you hate gay people then guess whos gay all the sudden. stuff like that. well i dont know what else to really say so write back if you care to. "

Nailed It! - Volume 1 (which does not guarantee a Volume 2, just so we're clear)

All of a sudden I've gotten all hardcore about making the recipes I find on Pinterest, and by hardcore, I mean a few this week. (Hey, for me, an attention span that long is...oh, fuck, my coffee!)

Sorry. Back. What was I saying?

So, a little more than a week ago I made Garlic-Cheddar Oven Fried Chicken. This recipe is not for the garlic-ambivalent. It was very bold-flavored and Kyle and I loved it. I could see how the overpowering garlic would not appeal to some. It would work very well with much less garlic (but WHY WOULD YOU WHY). No, really, to each his own (freakshow). Here's mine, I didn't think about taking the picture til I was a good way through it...and it was so good I didn't want to stop.  

Well, after that was the Honey-glazed pork chops, but they were unimpressive looking so I didn't take a picture (I forgot). Plus, I'm so poor that I seriously stole like 15 honey packets from Starbucks to make it. (They give em away! I have no guilt! Kiss my ass!) So, we will just pass over those and say "try em, they're good."
Then came yesterday. I don't know what motivation fairy blew dust up my funhole yesterday, but I sure wish it would move me in the direction of like...running or jumping jacks instead of cooking fattening things I find on the internet. I guess you have to take what fairy-prodding you get.
So yesterday morning I woke up at 5. A.M. Yeah. I lay in bed, in total denial, willing my bladder to STFU and my mind to decide to go back to the dream about the bus I was in flying off the bridge (anything is better than 5 A.M.)...but to no avail. At 6 A.M. (always in CAPS) I got out of bed and went downstairs to begin construction on a Martha Stewart recipe I have seen all over Pinterest - the Bacon, Egg, & Toast Cups.
They look pretty fucking clever, right? It is Martha Stewart after all (she's not a demon...she's a witch).
So - a couple of takeaways if you decide to make these. They are not all that difficult - but she's serious about the bread covering the whole muffin cup. Once I cut and placed the bread, most of them left a little space at the top. The egg then overflowed the bread a little, and there was no bread for me to butter up there! It also made getting them out a little more difficult. Well, I am sure that Martha would disagree, but for me - I think that if I make them again I will just use the whole piece of bread, slightly rolled out (like she says) and then molded better to the inside of the cup. Then, add the bacon and the egg - and trim any of the bread if needed.
Also, I am at high altitude, so I need to learn my damn lesson and start checking things way earlier when they are baking, or just adjust the temperature down by at least ten degrees to start. Mine were a bit overcooked. They were still good, the eggs were just hardcooked instead of "just set" as Ms. Stewart suggests. Here are mine:

My next adventure of the day was the making of the spaghetti sauce! I may have made sauce once before (I seem to recall talking to my mother about it a long time ago, but I don't remember the actual cooking, so this may as well been my virgin encounter. It felt like the first time, baby. I don't have sauce-making pictures, either - not because I made a sad mess of it or anything, but because I was focused on not fucking up and having to waste all those ingredients. (Okay, it's only about $8 worth of ingredients, but when you're unemployed, it's important. Plus, I'm accommodating 4-5 dinners here - that's significant!)
Anywho....I used this recipe - somewhat altered. I did not add the meat or the onions. I wanted meatless sauce (I can always cook and add meat later for a meal) and Kyle is still maintaining that he dislikes onions (I think that next time I will add onion powder for the taste. He only complains of onions when there are actual onions involved.)
Well, the sauce turned out rather yummy - I tweaked the seasonings a bit - the removal of the onions tends to leave a gap in the flavor where you're going "this is missing....something...what is it??" Well, I decided that garlic is, in fact, the universal marinara sauce solvent - and about doubled the amount called for in the recipe. Worked out well.
On to the next project (and this one really is a "project" - and should possibly even be made ahead of time in the future) - Pepperoni Monkey Bread. Now, I have never made regular monkey bread, so I basically was just picking a recipe cause it looked cool.
I also did not get a picture of the final product - Kyle was all over that thing so fast! Here is my assembly-line photo:

I admit, even though it also came out overcooked (you would think I would learn but noooooo), it was pretty tasty. It also had the benefit of my kick-ass marinara for dipping, so it all turned out in the end.
So - it was darker on the inside of the pan than it was on the outside.
I was feeling lazy (hey, this thing takes a long time to assemble, cut me some slack!) so I used Pillsbury pizza dough, which might have been part of the problem, but, overall I still think that cooking for longer at a lower temp would be the way to go here. Also, it didn't stick together as well as the one in the picture, so I think I need to press the bites a bit more when placing in the pan, so they adhere to each other more.
So. That's my Pinterest recipe week - the place is just such a good resource for recipes you would never have found anywhere else!
Like this Green Smoothie recipe I made today. It tastes like that Odwalla Superfood juice - so yeah, it looks funny but tastes so good. I didn't get the same neon-green that she got, but it still worked out well:

Mmmmm delicious and so good for you! 

I just wrote a whole post about cooking.
I think that's in the book of Revelations, somewhere. Be prepared.
Peace out, homies.