"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #6: Subject to Interpretation Edition.

What he sent me: 


Hey, I was actually just in Colorado Springs. Crazy! Disc Golf tournament. Drove past Ted Haggard's old church, and Focus on the Family. My great uncle actually parked that B-52 in front of the Air Force Academy! The valley reminded me of having visited the Black Forest in Germany, before I learned it was actually called the Black Forest. 

How were The Shins? I don't know if I would appreciate them as much live. I just saw them on YouTube's Bonnaroo stream last night, but was far more impressed by Bon Iver.


How I read it: 


Look! I know about things in your home! I drove past things you see all the time and don't give a shit about! Isn't that totally not crazy at all, since you live there?! 
A fairly distant family member once took a crap near a monument there! 
(I have no idea about the Black Forest thing, and I don't care. "The valley"? Huh?) 


I'm so totally hip because I know The Shins - but I'm going to say I like Bon Iver better, just cause...mentioning Bon Iver. 
Oh, hai and fucking Bonnaroo!
I'm totally awesome. Wanna screw? 


Maybe I should be more honest and title this series "Why I'm Going to Die Alone". 

The Dating Site letters....

Originally posted on LiveJournal, September 13, 2009. 

What kind of physical attributes do you have to have to give a guy a chance?

Yes I am married, no I'm not trying to hook up with you.
Ray
Well, "married but not looking to hook up"...

Ideally speaking (since you ask) - thou shalt not be:
Short, fat, red-headed, freckly, pig-nosed, or trying to cover over your baldness.
Ugly, is of course, in the eye of the beholder - at at my discretion someone may be deemed so based on other than physical factors, such as: ignorance, arrogance, pseudo-intellectualism, general social awkwardness, overly obnoxious religious beliefs, fundamentalism in any form, bad taste in music, movies, or books - and possessing anything other than complete disdain for Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Glenn Beck. 

regards to your wife. 

Are you a fuckup?

Oh, don't take it like that.

I've been divorced. People fuck up. 

Someone makes what appears to be (and in the moment, IS) a monumentally stupid decision, it alters everything, it hurts absolutely EVERYONE...and for some reason they can rarely say why they did it, later. 

It's not an act, it's the truth, almost down to your cellular level. 

What the hell did I just (am I about to) do?

It's an incredibly (in)convenient laspe in memory. 

It's the relationship insanity plea. 

"I seem to have blacked out during every important junction of this flowchart, your honor.
I was clearly out of my fucking mind." 

Bully for you if you have the world's best hammer-wielding shoulder angel. 

I'm talking to the humans in the audience. 

What I like the best is that so many times (years) after stories like this you hear these wonderful words: 

"it all worked out for the best - were it not for this *insert monumental failure* I would never be here *insert new relationship, new life, new career, new pair of shoes*.

Basically, it's such a sublime mistake that you're unwilling to forget it entirely, and you credit it with all your future success.
You want to pat the mistake on the back and buy it a beer. 

This thought should give you at least a tiny bit of reassurance when you're flush in the afterglow of a nice, new mistake.
It won't, though. 

Nature of the beast.  

So. Who's the fuckup? 

New 'Rant and' Rule.

You are not allowed to call any cover performance your "favorite song" by that band/artist.
Disclaimers/exceptions:
- They wrote the song for someone else and then cover it.
- E.g., If Prince wanted to cover "Manic Monday", that would be a valid favorite Prince song. Stupid, but valid.
- Or if the artist/band primarily performs covers as part of their act. (Like Richard Cheese or that other band whose name escapes me.)
- It's Johnny Cash covering 'Hurt'. Just cause I said so.

Oh, and if the cover is a commonly covered singer/songwriter standard (Jeff Buckley or Rufus Wainwright or a slew of others doing Leonard Cohen's  'Hallelujah') - that is your favorite rendition of THAT SONG. (Pick ANYTHING else from 'Grace', will ya? It's amazing. The other Buckley fans don't even want to play with you.)

- Don't even get me started on manufactured acts or "artists" who don't write their own shit.
- Oh, and while I like some of it, I'm also not really talking about dancey dance house trance techno...or sampled things. What you gyrate to while you're high is not my number one issue, here. Pick whatever you want by DJ Rocksyerballzoff.