So. This just happened: 

"My roommate came in the room while I was looking at your profile and told me that if I didn't message you, she would. Now, she’s straight, so that’s probably an empty threat, but she does have an eye for beauty, so I’m totally going to trust my mom’s judgment on this one. So I just thought I would send you a message to let you know..........."

Anyone else catch the twist there, at the end? 

Dear Dating Site matching logarithm:

Clearly, what you are trying to tell me is that I have run out of real options in this town and will now have to move. I know this because you have now suggested for me:

1. Multiple Christians who are "serious about it" and think that I will find this to be a positive thing.

2. A dude who actually said he doesn't get the "fascination with the Beatles".

3. People who hate cats.

4. People who want more kids.

Okay, so. For a while I thought that maybe you "got me", dating site...but we need to talk.
Yes, even though I really only use the site to find people to make fun of, I still want to feel like you're making an effort. You know that I still harbor ridiculous fantasies. Like maybe this magical romantic comedy type situation could spring up and the love of my life appears (after I have snarked him nearly to death in a fantastically witty message exchange. We share a love of all things Joss Whedon and we have Star Wars wedding bands - though we never really get married) and we live happily ever after in a cozy little cottage stuffed with all the trappings of heavy nerd-ism (it looks a bit like a modern day Sherlock Holmes might live there).

You're not even trying, anymore, and I think you know that.

Chik-Fil-A F*ckery and How I F*cking See it. (in which I say f*ck a lot.)

You don't gotta see it how I see it.
Which is why it isn't called "How WE fucking see it."
If you see what I mean.

So, there are people who think this is a religious/morality issue...and those who think this is a civil rights issue.

(OH and then there are the fucking assholes who don't/won't to commit to a side so they call it a "free speech" issue. It's no such fucking thing, and you fucking know it. That company made a choice to publicly speak out against a minority having the same rights they do - because they believe they are morally superior. Yes, I will defend his right to say it. BLAH BLAH. That does not make it a fucking "free speech" issue.)

I do believe that where we will (as a people) be sharply (and somewhat painfully) divided - is on the question of choice. Are they gay because they choose (evil) or because they were born (fabulous)?

I'll tell you the truth: If I thought that gay people chose to be gay, I would gladly join the United Army of Churchgoing Spinsters (it's totally a thing) - because that would be beyond an earthly reasoning for me.
People choosing to be ostracized?
Choosing to go through fucking high school as a EITHER closeted or out?
(neither of those sound awesome.)
Choosing to be considered less than human or even less worthy of LIVING by many - sometimes by their own families?
Teenagers choosing to be harassed until they're so depressed that they kill themselves?
 I contend that you would have to have a good dose of Satan halfway up your fudgehole to make such decisions. (just think of all the gay friends I've had my whole life - choosing to be gay just so they can have all the attention!? DAMN, that's evil. Let me line up for communion. I'm converted. )

Those silly gays, magically becoming gay because they didn't accept Jesus Christ into their hearts.
(Seems a randomly placed punishment; pretty sure I should be a seriously masculine lesbian by my reckoning.)

Okay, so no.
You might get that I don't think that they choose it.
Maybe you could be convinced on that point someday.
No, it's fine. I'll wait.

And guess what?
In the MOMENT that you think that this is something that is in a person since conception - it became a civil rights issue. No matter what religion you claim. (Unless your religion's version of Jesus hates people who look or act differently. I've heard some of them are like that.)
I didn't want to make this a rant on religion. I still don't. but the fact that so many people use their religion to bolster up beliefs like this...it fucking sickens me.
(You're not holding Jesus up correctly, and if you're not careful, you're going to drop him.)
With absolutely no reservations and no disclaimers, I am telling you that I consider this a civil rights issue in EVERY way. I take this just as fucking seriously as if a company announced:

 "We're not so much against blacks as we are 'pro-white'. "

Lose Your Illusion: Part Two

"I'm at the beginning of a road trip that will take me through Colorado Springs next week. Sure would be cool if I could talk you into meeting for a drink or whatever while I'm in town. Let me know if you are interested." 

I think I might want to pursue a career at the NSA, because I do believe I have cracked your code here. 


Holy crap, what is with the recent spattering of the "let's fuck" approach?
When I set my profile to looking for "new friends" was that some bizarro-dating profile-world code for "gives it away"? Someone tell me, please, cause I'm way too vanilla to know that shit. 

Lose Your Illusion: Part One

"I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, but I'd love to have someone I can spend time with. Maybe we can meet up for a drink? I'd love to meet you! 
Let me know if you 're interested and we can talk more later." 


An interesting side effect of posting these things is...I no longer blame myself entirely for remaining single for so long. If the most charming thing a guy can think of to try to get me to contact him is a one-night-stand/fuckbuddy disclaimer, he deserves to be  rejected. By every woman, everywhere. 

"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #8: Surface Issues Edition

Bachelor #1 - Sorry, but you are one goofy looking dude.
I literally laughed out loud when I first got to your page.
True story.

Bachelor #2 - 15% match and 15 years older than me?
Oh, and for a "medical professional" who makes 100-150k a year, you seem completely unaware that most applications have this thing called "spellchecker".
Your education dollar just doesn't buy what it used to.

Bachelor #3 - You're 23, 24...25?
 I said I don't go for dudes older than me.
Apparently, this was an invitation to deflower a generation.
Put your shirt on and go do your homework.

"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #7: WTF Edition

So this woman walks up 2 me at the bar and says "I will do anything u want 4 $200" So I give her the money and said " ok go paint my house." I like your profile,I am hurt,mad and whatever i ll get over it.Oh wow that was fast. Get 1 of thise Maine Coon Cats.Only 26% match I geuss I wont be wakin up next to u anytime soon huh? I dont think i m 30 lbs but i use the tread mill to walk the dog,she needs the exersise more than me. So this baby seal walks into a club.


I'm going to let my friend Shanna be today's "guest snarky remarker" for this poetic gem: 
"This deserves a dramatic reading on YouTube." 


I need to get back to original format - this way does not offer much for me to "write". It's just that people's actual writing shocks and amuses me so much that half the time I'm speechless. 

"Why I didn't respond to your message on (insert dating site here)" #6: Subject to Interpretation Edition.

What he sent me: 


Hey, I was actually just in Colorado Springs. Crazy! Disc Golf tournament. Drove past Ted Haggard's old church, and Focus on the Family. My great uncle actually parked that B-52 in front of the Air Force Academy! The valley reminded me of having visited the Black Forest in Germany, before I learned it was actually called the Black Forest. 

How were The Shins? I don't know if I would appreciate them as much live. I just saw them on YouTube's Bonnaroo stream last night, but was far more impressed by Bon Iver.


How I read it: 


Look! I know about things in your home! I drove past things you see all the time and don't give a shit about! Isn't that totally not crazy at all, since you live there?! 
A fairly distant family member once took a crap near a monument there! 
(I have no idea about the Black Forest thing, and I don't care. "The valley"? Huh?) 


I'm so totally hip because I know The Shins - but I'm going to say I like Bon Iver better, just cause...mentioning Bon Iver. 
Oh, hai and fucking Bonnaroo!
I'm totally awesome. Wanna screw? 


Maybe I should be more honest and title this series "Why I'm Going to Die Alone". 

The Dating Site letters....

Originally posted on LiveJournal, September 13, 2009. 

What kind of physical attributes do you have to have to give a guy a chance?

Yes I am married, no I'm not trying to hook up with you.
Ray
Well, "married but not looking to hook up"...

Ideally speaking (since you ask) - thou shalt not be:
Short, fat, red-headed, freckly, pig-nosed, or trying to cover over your baldness.
Ugly, is of course, in the eye of the beholder - at at my discretion someone may be deemed so based on other than physical factors, such as: ignorance, arrogance, pseudo-intellectualism, general social awkwardness, overly obnoxious religious beliefs, fundamentalism in any form, bad taste in music, movies, or books - and possessing anything other than complete disdain for Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Glenn Beck. 

regards to your wife. 

Are you a fuckup?

Oh, don't take it like that.

I've been divorced. People fuck up. 

Someone makes what appears to be (and in the moment, IS) a monumentally stupid decision, it alters everything, it hurts absolutely EVERYONE...and for some reason they can rarely say why they did it, later. 

It's not an act, it's the truth, almost down to your cellular level. 

What the hell did I just (am I about to) do?

It's an incredibly (in)convenient laspe in memory. 

It's the relationship insanity plea. 

"I seem to have blacked out during every important junction of this flowchart, your honor.
I was clearly out of my fucking mind." 

Bully for you if you have the world's best hammer-wielding shoulder angel. 

I'm talking to the humans in the audience. 

What I like the best is that so many times (years) after stories like this you hear these wonderful words: 

"it all worked out for the best - were it not for this *insert monumental failure* I would never be here *insert new relationship, new life, new career, new pair of shoes*.

Basically, it's such a sublime mistake that you're unwilling to forget it entirely, and you credit it with all your future success.
You want to pat the mistake on the back and buy it a beer. 

This thought should give you at least a tiny bit of reassurance when you're flush in the afterglow of a nice, new mistake.
It won't, though. 

Nature of the beast.  

So. Who's the fuckup? 

New 'Rant and' Rule.

You are not allowed to call any cover performance your "favorite song" by that band/artist.
Disclaimers/exceptions:
- They wrote the song for someone else and then cover it.
- E.g., If Prince wanted to cover "Manic Monday", that would be a valid favorite Prince song. Stupid, but valid.
- Or if the artist/band primarily performs covers as part of their act. (Like Richard Cheese or that other band whose name escapes me.)
- It's Johnny Cash covering 'Hurt'. Just cause I said so.

Oh, and if the cover is a commonly covered singer/songwriter standard (Jeff Buckley or Rufus Wainwright or a slew of others doing Leonard Cohen's  'Hallelujah') - that is your favorite rendition of THAT SONG. (Pick ANYTHING else from 'Grace', will ya? It's amazing. The other Buckley fans don't even want to play with you.)

- Don't even get me started on manufactured acts or "artists" who don't write their own shit.
- Oh, and while I like some of it, I'm also not really talking about dancey dance house trance techno...or sampled things. What you gyrate to while you're high is not my number one issue, here. Pick whatever you want by DJ Rocksyerballzoff.

Easiest reply ever.

Hi! 

Do you like to run, jump, and play? 

Brady =)


Um. No.